Personal Growth Cafe – Page 208 – Empowering You to Live Your Inspired Vision!

June 28, 2012July 3, 2012

Stop Embarrassment by Finding Help for Your Incontinence

If you thought that incontinence was the inevitable result of aging or childbearing, think again. Simple lifestyle changes or a talk with your doctor may help you regain control of your bladder and get back to enjoying all the activities you love.

People suffer from incontinence for an average of 7 years before they ask their physicians for help, according to the National Association for Continence. But you don’t have to suffer anymore. Learn the basics about incontinence and take control of your life.

Facts about Incontinence

1. Causes.Incontinence can be caused by many things, including injuries to the pelvic area, prostate enlargement, neurological conditions, and diseases such as diabetes. It may also be associated with physical changes due to aging or pregnancy.

2. Prevalence.Experts believe that 25 million American adults experience incontinence. It’s four to five times more likely in women, mostly due to pregnancy and childbirth.

3. Common forms.Stress incontinence occurs when you put pressure on the bladder, like when you laugh or lift something heavy. Overactive bladder (OAB) or urgency incontinence means you feel a need to urinate frequently and may lose urine before you can reach the bathroom. Mixed incontinence refers to a combination of the two.

4. Success rate.Urinary incontinence can be significantly reduced or eliminated in about 80 percent of cases.This is great news! You may be able toenjoy a better quality of life and leave behind those embarrassing moments.

Lifestyle Changes and Home Remedies for Incontinence

1. Lose weight.Being overweight contributes to stress incontinence. Gain weight at a healthy pace during pregnancy and lose excess pounds whenever you need to.

2. Train your bladder.Schedule your restroom breaks as frequently as possible. Gradually extend the time between trips if you can. Plan ahead so you use the bathroom before a long movie or job interview.

3. Perform Kegel exercises. Pelvic muscle exercises can dramatically strengthen your muscles and stop leakage and sudden urges. You just tighten and release your pelvic floor muscles as though you were stopping a stream of urine. Your doctor can provide more specific instructions, or you can read about them online.

4. Stay hydrated.Keep drinking plenty of water. Dehydration causes additional health issues and diluted urine is gentler on your bladder. Just like with bathroom trips, you may want to time your fluid consumption to avoid disrupting important activities.

5. Avoid irritants.Some people get relief from OAB by cutting down on substances like caffeine, alcohol and artificial sweeteners. It also helps to get regular exercise and eat a lot of fiber.

6. Use absorbent products.Incontinence pads and other devices can reduce your worries about leakage. Protect your skin by changing them at least once a day. You can shop online from the privacy of your own home and find many options to help you get the best fit.

Medical Treatments for Incontinence

1. Start with drug therapy.If you need more help than the suggestions above, your doctor will probably start you on prescription medications, depending on the cause of your incontinence. OAB is often treated with drugs that block bladder contractions. You may also be advised to stop taking certain medications, including diuretics.

2. Try electrical stimulation.Your doctor may also recommend strengthening the nerves and muscles of your pelvic floor and bladder through mild electrical stimulation. This is usually performed by a physical therapist or nurse specialist. Most patients say that it’s painless but you may feel some tightening or tingling.

3. Consider surgery.In more severe cases, surgery may be needed. There are a variety of options available, including minimally invasive same-day procedures.

Stay dry and enjoy life by taking steps to manage your incontinence. If you’re unable to regain control of your bladder through behavioral changes alone, talk with your doctor about finding the right treatment plan for you.

June 28, 2012July 4, 2012

Spring Into Action

When springtime rolls around, thoughts turn to sunny days, warmer weather, and getting motivated to cross tasks off your list of things to do. As you look around, you see your neighbors power-washing the driveway and sprucing up their homes.

Even your best friend seems to be infused with energy these days; she’s already cleaned out her closets and waxed her car and it’s only April 1st!

You, on the other hand, have a bunch of tasks weighing on your mind. You’re tired of thinking about them. But which one should you do first? And how can you summon the energy that seems called for this season?

These suggestions can help you painlessly gear up for action:

1. Find peace in the garden. If you like to garden, it’s time to explore the changes that fall and winter brought to your planting spaces. If you’re new to gardening, you can look forward to feeling tranquility when you’re raking, planting and weeding.

• Why not start now working in the yard for 30 minutes a day? Gardeningis good for your soul and will lead you to achieve in other areas of your life.

2. Deepen connections with your family. Complete projects together instead of alone.Make time to listen to what your kids and partner want to do now that spring’s here. Focus emotional energy on your family.

• Spending time with your spouse ona project you both want done is a great way to deepen your connection. You’ll also gain momentum to do other tasks.

• Spring is also a lovely time to accomplish something with your kids. You’ll enjoy the opportunity to have somequality time with them as you teach the values of working together on a project.

3. Reach out.Ask for a psychological or physical “push” from a parent or close friend. Maybe your mother loves to do interior painting or your friend is a master at organizing drawers and cabinets.

• Asking for help is an exercise in humility and builds character. There’s no shame in acknowledging that you feel challenged to get motivated. Those you care about would love to help. Embrace the support and love you get from them.

4. Help yourself. Plan each week to complete just one task on your list, no matter how small. You’ll build momentum each week to achieve another goal. Give yourself permission and enough emotional space to take it slowly.You’ll feel like a rock star if you keep a steady pace by finishing one task every week.

5. Reward yourself for progress. As you complete those tasks that have been simmering in the back of your mind, remember to reward yourself for your accomplishments.

• If Mom helped you paint the kitchen, invite her and Dad over next weekend for a family dinner. Spending some family time together is a special way to thank your mom and enjoy the fruits of your labor.

• When you and your spouse spend a day cleaning up the yard or sprucing up the garage, suggest you enjoy an intimate night out the following weekend.

• You’ll be continuously motivated to complete more of those spring tasks when you take the time to recognize and reward yourself for what you’ve accomplished.

Some of us will get more charged up about spring’s arrival than others. Remind yourself that it’s okay to move forward at your own pace. Whether you go after your goals a little bit at a time or all at once, your sense of accomplishment will always be there waiting for you when you spring into action.

June 27, 2012July 3, 2012

Speed Reading for the Rest of Us

Wouldn’t you love to dramatically increase the speed at which you read and comprehend? Imagine how many more books you could get through or how much time you could save!

Speed-reading isn’t some magical process. Instead, it’s largely good habits coupled with effort. Nearly everyone can increase his reading speed to over 1,000 words per minute when reading content of average difficulty.

If you want to learn to read faster, you’re in the right place. But before you get started, you should measure your current reading speed. You can only assess your improvement if you know where you started.

Grab a book that’s of average difficulty for you, set a timer for 5 minutes and read. When the timer goes off, count the number of words you read and divide by 5. That’s how many words per minute you read currently.

Techniques for Speed-Reading

1. Cultivate chunking.Chunking is the idea of reading more than one word at a time. Slower readers tend to read one word at a time, while fast readers can read 5 or more words per glance. So someone reading 5+ words per glance is only looking at 2 or 3 spots per line of text.

• Obviously, this is much faster than reading a single word, moving your eyes, reading another word, moving your eyes, and so on.

• How do you get better at chunking?Start with two words at once, then move up to three words, and continue in this manner. This technique is more of a habit than anything else. With a little practice, you’ll be reading several words at a glance.

2. Avoid sub-vocalization: This occurs when you say to yourself the word that you’re reading. It can be silent (in your head), or you may actually move your lips as if you’re saying the word very quietly. This is very slow, and interferes with speed-reading; the average person can process words in their mind much more quickly than they can speak.

3. Keep an eye on yourself.Slower readers tend to have undisciplined eye movements. They are all over the page:they backtrack and re-read the same words, and they tend to lose their spot. This is simply bad habits and poor concentration. Good reading speed requires intent and focus. Force yourself to concentrate and keep moving forward.

4. Set your intention.One of the best ways to learn to speed read is to simply read faster. Even though at first you’ll be reading slightly beyond your ability to comprehend the reading material, pushing yourself trains your eyes and brain to work at a higher rate.

• If you’re pushing yourself to 1,000 words per minute regularly, when you fall back to 800 words per minute, you’ll feel like reading is a piece of cake! Just keep pushing yourself beyond your comfort zone.

5. Regularly measure yourself.Once a week, measure yourself to see where you stand. Keep in mind that some books are tougher to read than others. Be sure you’re comparing apples to apples.

Speed-reading is really just a collection of good reading habits, intention, and concentration. Anyone can dramatically improve the rate at which they read. Start practicing today and you’ll read faster in no time.

June 27, 2012July 4, 2012

Planning an Inspiring Summer

As the seasons change, we tend to reflect on how we’veprogressed the past few months and what we’d like to do now.Would you like to feel motivated to learn new things,do something interesting andaccomplish worthwhile goals? You can use this summer to bring these desires to life!

How will you ignite your passions as the weather heats up?

Explore these ideas for planning your most inspiring summer ever:

1. Take a personal inventory.Think about what you want and need in your life right now. Do you desire closer relationships? Perhaps you want to develop knowledge in a particular subject area. Maybe the one thing you seek most is more adventure in your life. This summer is a good time to try these things out.

• For example, if you’ve been working a lot of overtime, maybe you’ll conclude that what you really need is more quality time with family and some fun in your life. Think about what’s missing emotionally for you right now and promise yourself to include it in your life this summer.

2. Ask yourself, “What do I really want to do?”Make a list of the short-term and long-term goals you wish to accomplish. This is the time for some serious soul-searching. When making your list, decide whether to focus most on your professional or personal life.

• If it’s a personal list, you might include items like, “Keep my cool when dealing with my teenagers” and “Exercisefive times a week.”However, plans such as, “Save for a trip to Italy next year” and “Walk a section of the Appalachian Trail in September” might also appear. Consider this list your short-term bucket list.

• On your professional list, list entries like, “Research topic X” or “Complete a quarterly report on my achievements for the boss.” Also, “Resolve negative feelings toward Jane Doe at work” and “Talk with my manager about taking on Project B” may appear.

• When writing your professional list, keep in mind that your ultimate goals are to ignite deeper interests, resolve troubling issues, and promote your work life this summer.

3. Discuss summer schedules now. For many, becoming inspired will involve other people. Tell your spouse or friends that you’re planning a summer that will be stimulating, motivating and full of accomplishments. Share your intentions. Listen to their ideas.

• If you’ve got a close friend, they might want to jump on board to plan their own inspiring summer along with you and share some of your activities, too.

• Schedule time with people you learn from and admire. After all, getting inspired is a spiritual journey you take with the help of others.

4. Plan a trip this summer.Speaking of journeys, even if it’s only a long weekend, nothing inspires us like seeing brand new sights. When you travel, your mind is removed from the more mundane tasks of everyday life. You’re physically and spiritually transported to a place where everything is new and different.

• Maybe you’ll outline that novel you’ve always wanted to write or create a master financial plan for the next 20 years. Taking a vacation will invigorate your thinking and deepen your interests in new people, places and things.

5. Select three short-term goals to accomplish by summer’s end. Clip them from the list. Stick them on your refrigerator. Place a second copy on your bathroom mirror. Stash them in your car. Gear up to achieve success.

If you take time to assess what you want and how you intend to get there, you’ll experience one of your most inspiring summers ever. Don’t delay! Start today to plan your bestsummer ever.

June 27, 2012July 3, 2012

Inviting Love Into Your Life

There may be times in your life when you just want to be on your own for a while. Maybe you’d like to delve into your work, focus on yourself and enjoy life solo. However, when you return to thoughts of wanting to be in love again, it’s important to be in the proper frame of mind to welcome love back into your life.

Consider these suggestions to ready yourself for love:

1. Let go of old resentments and hurts.You can only be accepting of the warm feelings love brings if you’ve done away with simmering resentments and aching hurts. Otherwise, they’ll keep bubbling up to the surface and “boil away” other positive and health feelings.

2. Open yourself up to new people.If you tend to hang out only with people you already know, now is the time for a change. To invite love in, you’ve got to open the door.When you psychologically open up to new people, you open to love.

• Attend a book discussion group at the library
• Let your neighbor introduce you to his cousin
• Try visiting new cafes, restaurants, and community centers
• Drop in to neighborhood gatherings and parties you wouldn’t normally attend

3. Cultivate a positive body image. When you feel good about how you look and feel physically, you behave more openly toward others. Those feelings of self-assurance will encourage the flow of abundance and love.

4. Love yourself.Loving yourself makes you a more lovable person in the eyes of others. Although it’s admittedly a bit of a cliché, if you expect others to love you, you must first do so yourself. Dig deep to get in touch with all the things you like about yourself.

• Traits you like about yourself might include things such as: your smooth skin, your caring nature, your willingness to help others, or your incredible resolve to improve yourself each day. Find your unique characteristics that bring joy and comfort to you and to others.

5. Know your worth.When you discover everything you love about yourself, you’ll become more aware of your value as a human being. Whether you cherish just one thing about yourself or a hundred, you begin to feel worthy. And when you truly accept your ownvalue, love will find you.

6. Cultivate a peaceful existence.Living a life of serenity and peace will draw people to you. When your days are free from of drama and emotional chaos, you demonstrate that you can handle whatever life sends your way. Seek out activities and strategies that aid you in maintaining a deep sense of serenity and calm.

• Whether youdo yoga, meditation, visualization, positive affirmations, or some other serenity practice, cultivating tranquility will show that you can handle new relationships.

You have the power to welcome love back into your life. When you let go of old hurts, open up to new people, and know your own worth, you’ll be ready and willing to truly enjoy a new relationship. Take the leap and invite love in!

June 27, 2012July 3, 2012

Fire Safety Tips Every Family Needs To Know

Fires break out in almost half a million homes each year in the United States. To keep your family safe, learn the three most important rules for fire safety plus additional tips to help you prevent fires and minimize the damage to your loved ones and belongings if you do suffer a fire in your home.

3 Most Important Rules for Fire Safety

1. Install smoke alarms. The U.S. Fire Administration emphasizes three fire safety precautions starting with having all homes equipped with smoke alarms. Mount them on a ceiling or high up on a wall. Test them at least every 6 months. Replace the batteries once a year.

2. Get automatic fire sprinklers. The federal government also recommends home sprinklers. By spraying water immediately, they can put out small fires and help contain big fires. Residential systems are starting to become more affordable and some of them are suitable for older homes.

3. Develop an emergency escape plan. The third rule is creating and practicing an escape plan. Map out all the exits in your house. Figure out two ways to get out of each room. Go through the drill until you can get the whole family out in less than 3 minutes.

Tips for Preventing Fires

1. Pay attention while cooking. Stay in the kitchen if you have something on the stove. Turn off the heat if cooking oil starts smoking and slide a lid over the pot to squelch flames. Keep flammable items like plastics or cloth away from heat.

2. Put matches out of reach. Keep matches in a locked cabinet or on a high shelf beyond the reach of small children. The same goes for cigarette lighters and torches.

3. Watch candles closely. If you love candles, be sure to use them wisely. Set them out on stable surfaces and extinguish them before you go to sleep.

4. Keep heat sources clean. Furnaces and fireplaces need to be cleaned at least once a year. Empty the lint out of clothes dryers immediately after each load. Give space heaters plenty of distance from curtains and furniture.

5. Use electricity safely. Avoid overloading electrical outlets. Tuck cords away neatly without running them under rugs. Give pets their own chew toys so they’ll leave electrical cords alone.

Tips for Surviving Fires

1. Keep fire extinguishers handy. Buy the right kind of fire extinguisher for each room or look for multipurpose models. To use any extinguisher, you pull the pin, aim at the base of the fire, squeeze the handle and sweep the whole unit back and forth. If flames are already spreading, just focus on evacuating.

2. Stick close to the ground. Smoke rises, so it’s important to stay as low to the ground as possible where it will be easiest to breathe. Practice crawling during your home fire drills.

3. Feel doors for heat. Use the back of your hand to check if a door is hot before opening it. If you discover that there may be flames on the other side, leave it alone and exit through another door or window instead. Closing doors behind you as you leave will also help to slow down any fire.

4. Know what to do if your clothes catch fire. Drop to the ground using your hands to cover your face and roll back and forth to put out the flames. Run cool water over burned skin and call for emergency medical care.

5. Once you’re outside, stay outside. Once you’re out of the house, avoid making any return trips. The fire department is better equipped for conducting rescues in a burning building.

Most home fires are preventable if you know how to take the proper precautions.

Keep your smoke alarms in working order, have an emergency escape plan and pay attention to potential fire hazards. Learn these tips and give them your highest priority so you can feel safe from fire in your home.

June 27, 2012July 4, 2012

Does Your Child Play Well With Others? Boosting Their Social Success

Establishing social relationships is one of the earliest milestones children of school age achieve. These interactions begin to build what will be their lifelong socialization habits. Learning how to meet new people, make friends, and get along with others are all critical skills.

Some children, however, arechallenged more than others in this important area of life. If you recognize that your childis struggling with making friends and sustaining connections, you can implement strategies to help them succeed socially.

Use these techniques to help your child learn important social skills that will serve them well their entire life:

1. Establish and maintain open communication. Provide plenty of verbal encouragement to help your child build confidence in social interactions.

2. Keep your eyes open. Notice how your child relates to other children in the neighborhood, at school and during extracurricular activities.

• Does he seem excessively shy? Does he stand alone, waiting for others to approach him? Or do classmates make efforts but he doesn’t respond? You can gather information about your child’s social life simply by observing him in the presence of peers.

• When your child performs socially appropriate behavior, mention it later.Say something like, “It was nice of you to offer a cookie to Jim today.” Reinforce any positiveactions you observed.

3. Set up a play date at your house. Talk with your child first about inviting a friend to come over to play. For example, you could start the conversation by asking her opinion, like,“Sally, would you like for Patty to come over to play Saturday morning?”

• Sally will most likely say, “Yes.” If she says “no,” inquire about why she doesn’twant Patty to come over.

• Arrange the play date with the other parent(s). To ensure the kids won’t get bored or tired, avoid making the first one too long. Depending on your child’s age, 1-2 hours should be adequate. Have somesnacks on hand.

4. Ask your child the day before the playdate how she’d like to spend the time. This conversation promptsher to consider activities she’d enjoy. Allow her to choose the activity as long as it’s safe, inside your home or in your yard, and is feasible (consider the weather).

• If your child doesn’t offer an idea, be encouraging and say, “I’m sure the two of you will come up with something fun to do.” Refrain from micro-managing the play date, if possible.

• This conversation plants the idea that when we have friends over, we share time doing something fun that we both enjoy. Also, she learns that being a friend requires some effort. Posing the question is a subtle way to teach her how to be appropriately social.

5. Make your home a fun place for kids. Doing so might boost your child’s social life. Do you have a family room with a television, DVDs, a video game console, books, board games, or other kid-friendly activities?

6. Spend a bit of time helping your child clean her room. After all, don’t we get ready for company in advance? These efforts illustrate for kids how friends behave and how social relationships are conducted.

7. When the play date occurs, leave the children to their own devices. Usually, two kids can figure out how to spend time. Check on them often to ensure they’re relating well. Intervene only when necessary (if play is too rowdy or loud or one or both kids seem bored).

• Your child will begin building confidence about social relationships after just one successful play date.

Preparing your child for social relationships can be fun for all and quite rewarding. These parenting techniques are fairly simple and yield beautiful results. Help your child learn to interact with others in a positive and meaningful way as they start to explore the world outside your home.

June 27, 2012July 3, 2012

5 Tips to Strengthen Your Relationship

Because all relationships grow and change over time,even if you have a great relationship, there may be times when you feel like your bond could be stronger.

Consider these tips to fortify your partnership:

1. Take your partner’s side. To continue to grow an enriching, loving relationship, consistently advocate for your partner’s position, whether you agree with them or not. If you promise yourself to always be on the same side, then there will be fewer situations that divide you.

• Although disagreement can be appropriate, do so with tact and love instead of fighting. Let your differences lead to discussions that help you understand each other better rather than divide you.These types of honest discussions reinforce the love and respect youshare.

2. Release past hurts. If you’ve been holding on to emotional pain related to your current partner or a past one, let it go. Keeping the hurt inside can stifle the love and affection you want in your relationship.

• If the painresults from your current partner’s actions,resolve the past situation so you can let go of that pain and move forward with your relationship.

• Letting go of past hurts allow you to feel freer to love and be close to your partner.

3. Be willing to try something new. If you want to truly connect with your partner, embrace the activities he loves to do. Even though the particular pastime may not be your cup of tea, show willingness to engage in his beloved activities with him.

• For example, if your partner invites you to go to an NFL game, you don’t have to be a football fan to go and enjoy yourself. Look at it this way: you’ll be there to share something really special with your love. He’ll be thrilled to have you there and will most likely recognize the sacrifice you made to share the experience with him.

4. Lose the need to be right. Winning arguments with your partner is overrated. After all, what value does being right really have? Insisting that the other person agree that you’re right and they’re wrongdoes nothing to increase positive feelings or strengthen the bond between you.

• Try focusing, instead, on acceptingthat there will be times when you might be correct and other times when he’s the one who’s right.

• Sometimes, these situations can be better resolved by sorting out how you each feel so you can find a middle ground that can bring you closer together rather than determining who’s right or wrong.

5. Celebrate your differences. Allow yourself to again experience the passion that brought you into the relationship. You have a responsibility to keep the flame going, which reinforces your connection. One way to do thatis to truly embrace the ways in which you are different.

There are so many wonderful opportunities to ensure your partnership continues to blossom and grow stronger. Use these tips for inspiration to help youcultivate your cherished relationship and watch it thrive under your careful tending.

June 25, 2012July 4, 2012

Is Your Job Stressing You Out? 12 Ways to Decompress

As you’ve probably discovered, your work can trigger all kinds of stress reactions. From minor annoyances to heart attacks, on-the-job stress is a major cause of many mental and physical ailments. Are you suffering the consequences of workplace stress?

Consider these questions:

• Do you find yourself feeling annoyed with your supervisor or co-workers?
• Have you been looking for excuses to be late to work or to stay home occasionally?
• Do you get a stomach ache or headache within an hour after getting to work?
• Are you having trouble focusing on a work project because your emotions are wrought up over a work incident?

If you answered “Yes” to any one of these questions, you’re probably experiencing job-related stress. The good news is: if you’re proactive about managing your work stress level, you’ll feel less wound up and enjoy more success at work.

Try these strategies to deal with job stress:

1. Remind yourself, “it’s just work.” There will be times you’ll have a difference of opinion with your boss or co-workers. Consider it creative disagreement and move on.

2. Learn to recognize the things you control at the office. By the same token, let go of the things you’re not able to control. Your work life will become much lighter and brighter when you acknowledge both of these issues.

3. Work through “resolvable” issues immediately. Rather than let issues fester and grow, if it’s within your power to negotiate a resolution, do it as soon as you can.

4. When you feel overwhelmed, ask for assistance or guidance. Everyone occasionally experiences work struggles. In nearly every situation, it’s appropriate to ask for help at work.

5. Establish your work priorities; then methodically work to complete your projects. List your tasks in order of priority. Start at the top of the list and work down, crossing off tasks as you go.

• If you have any questions whatsoever about which task or project is more important to complete first, proceed directly to your supervisor and ask. Avoid excess job stress by seeking guidance if you need it.

6. Silently review all the reasons you do the work you do. Re-connect emotionally with all the positives you love about work. These realities about your career are far more important than the things that stress you.

7. Vow to avoid drama at work. Refrain from allowing yourself to generate too many feelings about work. After all, it’s business. It’s best to use tact, neutrality, and diplomacy when dealing with co-workers. Your chances of experiencing work stress will be vastly reduced.

8. Take a brisk 15 minute walk when you get home. There’s nothing like a walk to clear out the stress from your work day. Tell yourself that by the time you get back home, you’ll be thinking about what you’ll have for dinner. Walking after work is a great habit to develop for so many reasons.

9. Use visual imagery techniques to let go of minor annoyances and frustrations. Imagine your stress is a big red ball. You throw it into the ocean and watch it bob away on the waves. Say “good-bye” as the ball is completely submerged far in the distance.

10. Soothe yourself after you arrive home. Snuggle up in your blanket on the sofa and read your novel for a bit. Call your brother or a friend to chat. When you soothe yourself, you’re showing you know how to take care of your own troublesome feelings.

11. Journal your feelings about work. When you write down your irritations and sources of stress, you can psychologically release the negative feelings you experience.

12. Practice yoga or meditation to de-stress. The eastern philosophies of yoga and meditation soothe the souls of millions of people the world over. You’ll be surprised at how effective these methods are at eliminating your stress and keeping you more centered and relaxed.

Work stress is an unfortunate result of the human condition. Everyone deals with it from time to time. Practice these methods to remain optimistic and keep your work stress at manageable levels. You’ll re-discover the passion you have for your career!

June 25, 2012July 4, 2012

Helping Too Much? 7 Tips to Stop Enabling Others

Have you ever found yourself in a position where you felt you were doing everything you could to help someone yet their negative situation just got worse and worse? If so, it’s possible you were enabling the other person.

You might be enabling whenever you’re trying to help someone, but your actions are, instead, exacerbating the issues.

Sample Scenario

Your friend and co-worker, Sally, has been drinking a little more than usual. Lately, she’s coming in late to work and asking you to cover for her. When the supervisor asks you where Sally is, you say, “She went to Human Resources to ask a question. She should be right back.”

After work, you all go for drinks together. Sally doesn’t have any money so you offer to buy her beverages and she accepts.

Later that evening, Sally admits she hasn’t finished her chapter of a report that’s due tomorrow. Sally asks if you’ll finish her partially completed paper. Although you’re tired and would rather go home and just relax, you agree to take the report home and type it up before tomorrow morning.

Unfortunately, even if you don’t mind offering your consistent aid, your efforts are ensuring that Sally doesn’t have to take responsibility for her actions.

The Solution

What can you do to break the cycle of enabling someone you care about?

Follow these helpful tips:

1. Stop. Even though it’s your friend or loved one, picking up the slack for them is not helping them get better.

2. Instead, just observe. Rather than being so quick to jump in and offer help, sit back and watch what happens. Notice patterns in the person’s behaviors.

3. Listen. Stay informed by hearing how your friend or loved one feels. A good friend listens attentively. Consider listening an important act of caring.

4. Allow opportunity for your loved one to figure things out for themselves. Keep in mind that when you jump in and spontaneously offer your assistance all the time, the individual is robbed of opportunities to learn to resolve their own challenges.

5. Decline any direct requests for help. Recognize that your continued efforts to pick up the slack now are setting up your friend or loved one for a big fall later. Accept that it’s better if it happens sooner – when the situation isn’t so far out of hand – than later.

• Using the example above regarding Sally asking for your help with her report, you could say something like, “Oh, I’m so sorry, but I can’t finish your report. I need to pick up my daughter and do the laundry when I get home.” Then say nothing else.

6. Recognize it’s not your job to fix their troublesome situations. When you decline to help, you’re silently placing the issue back squarely on their shoulders where it belongs. Remember, it’s not your situation; it belongs to them.

7. Disengage emotionally from the person. Once you understand what you’re doing, you’ll be better able to remain on the outside of your friend’s troubling events. Think of your friend and their issues as a tornado. Then, decide to remain outside of the whirlwind.

• You’ll no longer allow yourself to get “sucked in” to your friend or loved one’s current crisis. You can still be their friend or confidante and spend time with them, if you choose. But you’ll avoid being pulled in to the fray of your friend’s ongoing drama.

• When you disengage emotionally, applying all the above strategies is also much easier.

If you believe you’re caught up in the cycle of helping a friend or loved one too much, step back and examine your relationship with the person. Then, apply the strategies above to stop enabling their self-destructive behaviors. As your loved one’s world becomes more overwhelming to them, it will encourage them to seek more direct assistance in resolving their underlying issues.